On Friday we were mountain biking, or rather "hike-a-biking", up a very steep 4 wheel drive road covered in loose cobbles and gravel. I became very frustrated with how long the climb lasted and my inability to ride up it. On top of that I was weak and dizzy from not eating enough the last few weeks (our food storage is limited while in bear country), and I lashed out in a passive aggressive way at Lauren. Knowing me as she does she knew exactly what I really meant when I said, "This trail sucks!". She responded by saying, "you have done nothing but complain since we began this road trip." Taken aback I said, "No I haven't! When have I ever complained on this trip?". In retrospect that was a very stupid thing to say because she rattled off about five or six things without a pause and continued trudging up the hill. I shut my yap pretty quick because I immediately knew she was right. In that very moment even as I was processing the rebuke I had just received from Lauren, I felt convicted by God that she was indeed correct and that I had a very poor attitude from the very beginning of the trip. I was in every sense the opposite of a "happy camper"! As I moved angrily up the hill pushing my bike I realized not only was I being a grumbler and malcontent, but I had some deep seeded anger and bitterness about the state of our vehicle and the way God was orchestrating the string of events thus far. Even just thinking about it, I became more and more angry and realized that I was not only angry but that I wanted to be angry! I felt that I was justified about being angry and at the same moment a deeper and quieter voice was beckoning me to give it up and let it go. I didn't want to give it up, I wanted to let it linger so that I might have a chance to beat it myself. If I let it go I would lose my opportunity to fight back and my chance to avenge what I felt had been an injustice against me. I decided to talk to God about it, even if begrudgingly. I told him I didn't know how to surrender it and I didn't know if I could, but that I wanted him to take away the anger because it was starting to take root in my heart. When we finally reached the end of the 4 wheel drive road the trail to Eve's Gulch (which is a fascinating coincidence in itself!), we could again RIDE our bikes. I did not feel much better at this point, but I was relieved to begin the downhill, or so I thought! The trail began to go down but only for a little way, it was very deceptive! It began climbing and soon I could feel the anger mounting again! I said to God "if you make me go up one more hill I'm going to scream!". After that hill it was all downhill and I even dared to smile when we reached the portion of the trail that turned off and went down towards the downhill course (called forbidden fruit). I could feel that God was lightening my burden already.
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Even after all the pain and scarring, God uses fire for regrowth and his beauty! |
In the past few weeks, even months, I had this bloated perception of myself. I felt as if I had earned God's blessing. Somehow I was truer, more steadfast, and spiritually better than those around me. It wasn't that I sat around thinking about how much better I was, it was more that those thoughts resided so deep in my subconscious that I did not even know they were there. Nonetheless, I chose to view my surroundings through that tainted perspective. It was slowly destroying me. It led to a prideful and conceited self-awareness. If anything deviated from my plan to have fun and relax it made me bitter. It made me question God's providence. I called him a liar and defaced his holy name whenever I refused to believe he could take care of us. I chose to set myself up as my own god because I thought I could do it better. I would fix everything and get us prepared for our trip. Boy was I wrong! He destroyed my pride, my anger, my conceit, and broke my spirit on that scarred and burnt mountain. He shone his light on my ugly pride and rebuked me for calling him a liar. He removed the wall of security I had built with money and monetary things and exposed me for who I was striving to be; it was not very becoming. I acted with such pomp and arrogance but all that was left was a child. Immature and weak. In total need of a father's guidance and a father's provision. I reached the bottom of my ability much faster than I thought possible, and yet strangely it was such a relief. All that time I was trying to hold on to those burdens and weights and all the while he was trying to get me to let go. He only ever wanted to make me free, but I preferred the weight of chains and unnecessary burdens. I have been humbled and now know that I should have spent more time preparing my heart to follow God wherever his path may lead us, and less time trying to direct my own way! I am also realizing, as I have so many times before that, this is a process. It was a painful way to wake me up, but I am glad he did, I am a much happier camper now! Just ask Lauren! A trip through the Garden of Eden proved I had a very serious pride issue, but it also laid the foundation for the way I was to be rescued from myself.
